I'm going to tell a story 'bout a person we all know
She'll not only rain on your parade...she'll even make it snow.
I doubt she's had a happy thought except when she's complaining
Just tell her where you've planned your trip, she'll say it's probably raining.
Don't ask her how she is, or if she's feeling well
She'll let you know with certainty her life's a living Hell.
Between her aches and pains, which are too numerous to mention
There's this awful kind of pressure, she thinks they call it tension.
If you try to change the subject and complain about YOUR back
She'll jump right in and tell you that her cousin DIED from that.
She's never missed a funeral or anybody's wake
It's not that she's in mourning...no, it's mostly for the cake.
I asked her if she'd like to go for coffee or a coke
She was quick with her acceptance, tho she did say she was broke.
I mentioned that we recently had bought a new Accord
She told me with a righteous air, we should have bought a Ford.
While passing by a window, I admired a summer frock
Why with your size and age my dear, you'd be a laughing stock.
I mentioned with a mother's pride, our son brought home all "A''s
Ah yes, she quipped, its so easy now compared to MY school days.
Is there anything she won't put down, as she does so very often?
The only way that she'll shut up, is when she's in her coffin.
Just then a brain storm hit me and I tried a different tack
It's so nice our Lord has blessed you, (I knew I was on track),
She stood there rather stupified, and struggled to reply
But nothing was forthcoming, except an anguished sigh,
Yes, you really must have everything, the things I sorely lack
Her face grew cold and ashen, like I'd stabbed her in the back.
I'd finally hit a nerve in that armor made of steel
And I can't begin to tell you just how good it made me feel.
For just a fleeting moment I regretted what I'd done
But it quickly passed as I realized what a battle I had won.
If I never see the likes of her, I sure won't give a hoot
I just hope that if they reincarnate her, they'll send her back but MUTE.
If it happens that you recognize the lady in this poem
Take heart in the satisfaction that you're surely not alone.
Ah, one more thing I'd like to say before this verse is through
Think twice about the things you say......This lady could be YOU.